Last night, I’ve had a heart to heart talk with my office-mate about health and relationships. Well, I’m writing this blog now because during our conversation I was able to realize some things that I’ve been denying before. One of those things was the reason why I’m always sick these past 2 to 3 years.
After a very painful breakup with my ex last 2011, my father died in 2012. Since I was the eldest child I was burdened with responsibilities and I haven’t had time to grieve and cry my heart out. I can say that I’ve been crying a lot after we broke up but it’s more on how disappointed I am with myself and how much time I’ve wasted and not on how sad I am in losing him.
I was so confused back then on what will I do with my life. I was thinking that I will never be in a relationship again. However, I really wanted to have kids.
We always fight and I always blamed him on every disaster that’s happening to me. It was a relationship that was full of uncertainty and promises that weren’t really meant.
Since I was the type of person who always stick on what she wants or planned to do, I’ve tried so hard to make the relationship work though I know in my heart that he no longer loves me. It was so difficult for me to accept that because I can’t imagine myself without him.
There were a lot of instances that proved that he doesn’t care at all and he just want me to give up. I still tried to hold on and fool myself. Then I met this guy who wanted to court me and I fell for him. I informed my ex about this guy cause I was hoping that he’ll be jealous and will advise me to get rid of him. However, he didn’t do any of those. Right there and then, I realized that I wasn’t meant to be with any of them and the purpose of this new guy is just to make me realize that I have to let my ex go.
One day, I’ve finally had the courage to ask him what he really wants, and as expected, he wanted to break up with me.
I was so depressed back then and I always talk about what happened with anyone that would listen over and over again.
I saw my ex a few months after we broke up and he looked thin and depressed. I was thinking that it’s about me and I’ve tried to beg if we can be together again. He declined and said that he might be staying single for the rest of his life too (obviously, instead of being with me). I felt sorry for him and I’ve been blaming myself again. I was so depressed and wanted to die. The pain was so much for me to bear that I had difficulty waking up every day.
We also had domestic issues back then and I really can’t stand it and I was even praying for my own death.
Just around 2 months after we’ve met when my father died. I know then that I have to be strong and not to show any weaknesses especially to my mother. I have to support her and my siblings in any way I can. I still tried to write my plans though my heart was not in it. I stopped talking and thinking about my emotions and suddenly the pain also stopped. I just felt numbed.
I went back to school in 2013 and support myself in studying. Back then I was thinking that I’m doing it because I wanted to improve my life. Now, I can honestly say that I’ve been trying to make myself busy with a lot of things because I don’t want to have time to think about my feelings anymore. When I talk about myself with my friends, it seems like I was talking about a third person. That’s why I can’t manage to cry even on emotional conversations.
I still cry sometimes but it’s not because of sadness, it’s every time I get offended, annoyed or insulted. It seems like I already forgot how to love, care and hope. I just live my life because I have to. The only emotion that I always feel was anger.
I stopped being emotional and understanding even to those people who are in pain. I even hated them for being weak.
I’ve spent long hours working, reading, travelling, studying and not having enough rest. My body started to fail me then I ended up in bed being stuck and depressed. I’ve managed to learn the signs of my depression and tried my very best to fight it. I’ve learnt not to be in denial when the feeling of depression is there. However, being stressed for a long time affected my health and I easily get sick.
Good thing we had a lot of inspiring topic in our Church recently and my leave of absence at work gave me time to think things through. I’ve finally accepted the fact that I’m still in love with my ex and I was secretly hoping that we can still be together. However, I don’t want to feel that pain again. I started sending him messages though he’s not responding. I just want to let him know how I feel so that I can release all the burden that is in my heart. I’ve also learned how to forgive all those who offended and insulted me for the past few years.
I know forgetting is impossible for now, but with God’s help I will get there. I’m hoping that in due time God will give me a good a husband that will serve Him for the rest of his life. Of course, I have to focus now on my spiritual growth and learn the virtue of a good wife first (Proverbs 31:10-31).